THE GIRL IN THE BUBBLE

Co-parenting in the Pandemic

My friend Lisa recently said to me, “You and your ex-husband are like the poster children for a healthy divorced couple. How do you do it?” The snarky wise-ass in me would say it’s because I let a lot of shit go. And while, sure, there is some truth to that, the reality is a lot kinder and gentler.  

When we separated, our daughter was just 5, and the most important thing to us was her care and well-being. We had seen other couples navigate relationships that deteriorated to a toxic environment that put their kids in the middle with disastrous effects on the whole family. We vowed not to let that happen, and made a commitment that no matter what transpired between us, her needs would come first. 

And although I know many people aspire to this, the reality is that doing it depends equally on both parents — it has to be the number one priority for both. The ‘but did you hear how she spoke to me?’ or ‘can you believe he did that?’ or ‘but she’s sleeping with our dentist!’ It all has to get shut out in order to put the kids’ best interests at heart. 

While our relationship had certainly been strained and difficult at times (hence the divorce), we had always made communication about our daughter a priority. We were both on the same page when it came to her upbringing and how we wanted to raise her. And if a situation came up that we didn’t agree on, conversation about it was reasonable and respectful until we found common ground (this is still true now). A lot of that is because we talked about it before we became parents, even when we were dating, and we knew we wanted the same things. How we would raise our child was one of our biggest strengths. I married him knowing he would be an excellent father (and I was right, he is).

And maybe it has something to do with the fact that my own parents got divorced when I was 18. (Coincidentally that was also the year I left home and started college, my grandfather died, my father remarried, my brother got married, and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Some days it feels like I still have whiplash from that year.) And while the damaged bridge between my father, step-mother and me has been more than lovingly repaired since then, I keenly remember what it was like to feel forgotten and unimportant, and I swore that I would never let a child of mine feel that way.

Because we share custody of her, she travels back and forth between our homes which are thankfully very close. It makes it so much easier when she forgets her flute, or there’s an unexpected snow day and her snow pants are at the other parent’s house. And because we believe (and the most respected research has shown) that it’s in her best interest to have parents who get along, we make sure that we do. We don’t use the term ‘my custody time’. That phrase makes my skin crawl. She’s not a rag doll — it’s all her time. It’s so much gentler to say that she’s either with her dad or with her mom. And we stay flexible, changing plans if need be when unexpected things come up; and they always do. 

So when the pandemic hit and we were all relegated to lockdown, it was a no-brainer that our bubble would be the three of us. It’s not that we hadn’t spent time together before — he always helped out at her birthday parties, we had even socialized with friends a few times together — but it certainly wasn’t the norm for us. 

But the fact was that we were her bubble, and it worked for us to keep it tight and do what we could together. So we went on hikes, bike rides, beach walks, day trips; because for her (and actually for me too, even though I had forgotten this in the years since our divorce), sometimes three can be more fun than two. And more importantly, she loves spending time with us together.

I fully understand this is just not possible for a lot of people. I have many friends who cannot stand to be in the same room with their exes. And if you’re struggling to navigate a difficult relationship when it comes to your kids and your ex, I wholeheartedly suggest therapy. But also, if there is any way you can try to look at the situation from your children’s perspective, please do. What they really need is harmony, whether or not you’re married to each other. As their parents, if you both can look at it as a commitment you are making to them, it will go such a long way to helping them heal and making everything more bearable. 

Our friend Dutch is fond of saying, “you have a better divorce than most people’s marriages.” It’s a compliment I don’t take lightly, and I realize how fortunate we are. Is it easy? Not always. But when I look into my daughter’s eyes and think what I would want if I were her, then yes. Yes, it is.